one check at a time

I went grocery shopping for my mother one day this week and I was completely shocked when I saw an aisle full of Pesach food. Pesach??? Aren’t we still in January?? I was really taken aback-I haven’t really started with Purim preparations yet! Also, my brother is getting married the week after Purim so there’s even more to do-we aren’t even thinking about Pesach yet. But everyone gets excited to start preparing for Purim- there are tons of things to think about! What should our theme be? What should we dress up as? what should we give out for Shalach Manos? It’s a great feeling to walk into stores and see all the candy being displayed. But this is always a crazy time of the year. After all the time and money spent on Purim, the very next day, it becomes all about Pesach. Everyone gets rid of their candy and starts to really focus on the cleaning. It can be very overwhelming!! Many times throughout my life I have been in situations that were very overwhelming. Like when I had to get on the transplant list for lungs. I could only do that once I did all the necessary testing that the hospital required. I couldn’t make any plans because I didn’t know which hospital would accept me and which city that hospital would be in. It was as if the mental lists were growing each day, and I felt like I wouldn’t have enough time to get through them! I was under so much pressure. I knew I had a long list of instructions to help prepare myself if I wanted to stay alive or at least to try-but it was the hardest list-almost everything on there were things beyond my control. So my motto became “Just live one day at a time.” and because of my health, it often became “Just live one hour at a time.” It was way too frightening to think of the life-threatening medical procedures that I would be going through the next day or week. I remember almost everything that happened to me the last few months that I spent in Boston because I was there so often. My doctor had come in one morning and told me that if I wanted to even think about going home to get a break, I would need to get a ton of things done to make sure I would be well enough to make the trip. When he started going down the list of requirements: a surgery to have a feeding tube placed, a new Pic line inserted, a long enough span without fevers, a lower amount of oxygen… and he just kept going on and on. I honestly didn’t think I would ever make it home. How on earth would I be able to endure all of that? It didn’t seem possible. At one point, I wasn’t sure if it would even be worth going through all of it. Sometimes, it’s impossible to think of all the things that have to be done or all the things that you have to get through in the future and stay totally calm. But I knew I had to find a way. I decided to break it down, To get through each thing on its own and then I’d move on to the next one. I created a checklist and decided to try and see how many items I would be able to check off. When I chose to see each one separately, and took it one hour at a time, it became so much easier to handle. Bh, I was able to finish many “checklists” that were given to me, and Thank G-d, I love these new Yom Tov checklists that are being created for me to do. You can’t even compare the different emotions that go along with happy lists vs. terrifying, painful ones and Bh I’m so happy to see the tremendous difference. May all of you have an easy time checking off your Yom Tov lists and don’t worry-just take it one check at a time:)

finding clarity in the arctic

As so many people are away on vacation, I’m getting pictures sent from my friends and seeing their posts on Facebook of them on beaches and in pools, with palm trees in the background-a picture perfect postcard of warmth-something that doesn’t seem like it ever existed here. Having spent the past few days in Pittsburgh where it was in the single digits, returning to New York today didn’t feel so shocking. Stepping off the plane into 18 degrees,it was a full 10 degrees warmer than where I’ve spent the past few days. I went to Pittsburgh for a scheduled check up with my transplant doctor and I must say- I noticed some big, positive differences this trip. First of all, I’ve never been there in such frigid arctic temperatures. To wake up when it’s 4′ degrees outside was something new. This time,I opted to stay indoors and wait for my appointments than to venture out, like I usually do. Anyway, I got to the hospital to do my testing, and, like every other time I’m there, all the memories come rushing back. First, it’s the wheelchairs that I passed as I entered the lobby. All those times I couldn’t wait to sit in one and get pushed around instead of exerting myself too much by walking. I entered the room to check in for my X-rays and blood work, and instead of feeling that dread and intense fear I usually feel, I knew that I was here and whatever was going to happen was going to happen-it wasn’t in my hands anymore. What always amazes me is when the X-ray technicians can’t tell what I’ve been through. As she was about to tell me where to place my hands in order to get good pictures, I was already in the correct position. As she was getting everything ready, I remembered my first appointment after I had left the hospital with my new lungs. I came back to get an X-ray and my surgeon walked in and said “Rivka, I saw your X-rays and they are unbelievable! These new lungs of yours are absolutely beautiful, they fit in so perfectly, nobody would be able to tell they aren’t really yours.” He then proceeded to take out the X-ray they took on the operating table and wanted to show me how they compared to each other. One was black and one was white. It was one of those surreal moments I realized that the great miracle that happened to me was even greater than I thought. It became so clear to me how every single part of it was planned out exactly by the One Above-down to the measurements of lungs to fit my body. But then I had to focus and get back to where I was now…I left the X-ray, went on to blood work, and then began walking to the next building. The walk between the buildings is quite a walk. As I walked through the winding hallways, I remember so much-it’s like mentally going through my long journey that got me here. When I was in a wheelchair, I remember my mother pushing me through those long hallways and tunnels that connected to each other by different elevators and bridges-it really seemed endless. Then, I attempted to walk but got too tired. The next time we walked it but I kept having to take breaks. Well, yesterday, I really walked it. Fast. I had to get to my PFT (breathing test) appointment. Again, this technician tells me the instructions (you may enter the box and take a seat…)as if I’ve never been there before. I can be a tech at this point!! Finally, after my vitals were taken, I finally got to see my doctor and find out what all the tests showed and if there was any reason I should be nervous. The one thing I always say when I leave is Bh for great doctors. My doctor can calm me down from anything alarming or any fear or worry that’s on my mind. H-shem clearly knew what He was doing when He sent me to Pittsburgh-He put me in the right hands and I am so grateful for that!! Thank G-d, I made it back in the clear. I have some things to take care of and stay on top of but bh, there’s nothing major to report. This trip reassured me that sometimes, I’ll be faced with terrifying things but I’m in the Best possible Hands so I really have nothing to fear. Look how far I’ve come! BH! I hope we all continue to see Hashem’s guidance as clearly as I was able to. Stay Warm!!

seize the day

OK-enough blogging about deep, dark oceans and sailing through seas. I have bh moved on-at least for the time being. Last week ended with my younger brother getting the flu which resulted in me having to move out until he was all better. Because I left in a hurry and I wasn’t sure how long I would have to be away for, I didn’t know exactly how many of all my medications to bring. So almost every day, I had to run back home, grab what I needed while my brother remained quarantined in his room, and then I’d run back out again. Last Friday, as I was quickly packing up my stuff for Shabbos, I noticed a kindness that G-d is doing for me- it suddenly became very obvious. Both me and my brother don’t get sick at the same time. It would be extremely difficult for me to stay in my house with him being sick but at the same time, I wouldn’t be able to go to anyone if I was the one who was sick. As much as we wish no one would ever get sick, if it has to happen for whatever reason, it’s much safer for us to go through it separately. As I packed up my stuff for Shabbos, I realized how the situation was the same as the week before-the Shabbos plans get changed at the last-minute, the “patient” ends up being the only one at home for Shabbos-except this time, it was him feeling miserable under the blanket instead of me. I ran to buy him a balloon and some extra reading material to have while he was stuck in bed. I felt like I could really empathize with him and I was glad to be able to do something-even something minimal-because I have witnessed that those small things really feel like big things to the person receiving them. Anyway, I finally moved back home on Monday. Thank G-d, this week has brought me many great opportunities that I was able to take and actually go through with them. I have tried my hardest to live this whole week in the moment, and not so much in the future. Of course, there are things that I have to plan for. With my brother’s wedding coming up, I have so many things to plan and prepare for it. I’m also getting ready for my planned trip to Pittsburgh on Monday. But because of how things have played out in the past month or so, I’ve been so nervous lately when it comes to thinking about the things that are planned for the future. I’ve started to try to live in a different mindset. If I wake up feeling well, I will make sure that the day will be a Good Day. If an opportunity comes up that day-whether it’s a job offer, a last-minute outing with a friend-I will do whatever I can to make sure I get it done. In my life, I have been shown over and over again that I really don’t know what tomorrow will bring-so I feel like I have to take advantage of the fact that if I’m feeling OK, and I’m able to go out and enjoy whatever I have planned-or not planned-it’s a must! So many times, I’ve heard people say, “Don’t push-off till tomorrow what you can do today.” I can now understand the truth behind this on an entire new level. Unfortunately, I had to wake up not feeling 100% so many times to realize that I truly never know what is waiting for me twenty-four hours in advance but I do know what I’m capable of doing to make today a Good Day. With almost everyone on vacation this week, it’s easy to make your days Good Days-especially if you’re somewhere far away or tropical. But what we must remember is that even when we’re not on vacation and life gets back to its normal routine and even seems pretty boring, we must still remember to make all our days Good Days! Never forget to seize the day!!

smooth seas ahead

I am so shocked-I just found out that one of my greatest fans of my blog doesn’t enjoy reading it anymore because it got too depressing. I was shocked when I heard this-Me?? Making people sad from reading my blog? I can’t believe it! I only started writing a blog because I wanted to inspire people and uplift them-not make them upset! Then I wondered what this says about me? Have I myself gotten more bitter and more depressing? What is going on with me? When I spent countless hours hooked up to an oxygen tank, unable to do anything except lay in my bed, I was always hesitant to complain to my friends- they would think I was so annoying, all I do is complain-so I tried my hardest to keep it to myself and promised myself that when I got better, I would only be positive and uplift people, not bring them down. So how can I possibly explain my reasoning for turning this into something so completely opposite? I’m not going to take back what I wrote last week-it still rings true. There’s no denying that constantly dealing with disappointment is difficult, but the way you come back from it is the real challenge. Timing is everything. There are reasons I can’t be in certain places at certain times, even though I can’t possibly figure out what the reasoning is. But if I believe that I will get my chance to do those things that I couldn’t do when I was supposed to do them, then hopefully, with G-d’s help, I will. This week, I found a little inspiration in a little book called Every cloud has a Silver Lining. Since I’m a big fan of inspirational quotes, I was hooked when I saw how many quotes in that book pertained to me. here are two, “I can’t change the direction of the wind but I can adjust my sails to reach my destination.” and “Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” What I noticed about these specific quotes are how they connect to what I wrote last week-we are all sailors, sailing our ships across the sea. But now, let me expand…Sometimes, the waters are fierce and choppy. The future looks dark and it doesn’t seem like I will come out of this alive. But what I fail to recognize so many times are the times when the seas are calm, and there’s smooth sailing ahead. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the stormy seas, I lose sight of the peaceful parts of the journey. So many times in life, I get stuck on the bad bumps and forget about the thousands of miracles that I’m witnessing every single day. But that’s the hardest part about life-we get so caught up in our daily schedules until something goes wrong. I have to remember to be so thankful for every. single. thing. A few weeks ago, a woke up on a Friday morning with fever. I hate when I’m sick, it brings me back to those days I spent just waiting for that day to come when I could feel better. Anyway, as I lay under my blanket, I said to my mother “I wish today was just a normal day for me-you have no idea how much I want to go to Gourmet Glatt to shop for food.” When the boring, mundane, everyday things get taken away, that’s when I realize how amazing it is that I was able to go food shopping. The next Friday, I woke up early and ran to Gourmet Glatt, determined to fulfill my wish from the week before. But I must remember that from week to week! To end off and actually get ready for Shabbos (yes, I already went to Gourmet Glatt today), I want to say one last quote that really woke me up-“When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty, my only response is that I have a cup.” I hope you found this blog more upbeat than the last-I will do my best to keep it that way! Hope you have a calm, peaceful and relaxing Shabbos!

Sailing the seas of sorrow

Welcome to 2013. Only six days in and I can already say that it’s been a tough year. This week has had some very happy, wonderful times and unfortunately, some that were not as great. Standing at my brother’s engagement party, I was full of happiness. I had spent the whole day getting pampered (which hardly ever happens), I felt good and I couldn’t wait to meet my future sister-in-law. All my cousins were coming, and some of my friends too. The last real party my family made had been four years before, by my little brother’s Bar Mitzvah,and there were so many things that had changed since then. By the Bar Mitzvah, I looked very good on the outside but I couldn’t say the same about how I was feeling on the inside. Not everyone was aware of what I was really dealing with. They knew something was going on but not at all how bad the situation really was. I made sure to do a good job of looking as pretty and healthy as possible-I didn’t want anyone’s pity. But I was very weak and couldn’t stand for long periods of time. When the music came on and it was time to dance, I was scared it would tire me out and I wouldn’t make it through the rest of the night. It was hard for me to truly focus on my brother and all that was going on because I was so busy thinking about myself. Thank G-d, I was able to do what I had to do and I got through the night, but I needed days and days to get over it and recover. So this week, I was thrilled to be able to be on my feet the whole time, to not feel like I was going to collapse, and I was able to really enjoy what was going on around me and not obsess about my breathing. It was as if I was finally on top of a roller coaster after taking a long time to get to such a high point. But the problem with roller coasters is how long it can take to slowly climb to the top-and how quickly it takes to come all the way down. From being so high to going so low in such a short time is extremely difficult, even the people who are professionals at dealing with disappointment have trouble transitioning such complete opposite emotions. I woke up Friday morning feeling under the weather-again. But the hardest part was that it meant I had to cancel my Shabbos plans and instead of being away by my friends I was going to have to stay home. Now, I know for someone like me, this shouldn’t be a big deal. I have gotten hit with so many real problems, this shouldn’t even cause me an ounce of disappointment. But I haven’t been able to get away in weeks, because of the viruses I keep catching, and this week, I really thought it was finally going to work out.I was really looking forward to getting away. I’m not going to lie- having to deal with disappointment week after week is hard, even for me who is constantly dealing with it. When I try to figure out the reason why this happened, I usually end up even more confused than before. I spent the entire Shabbos thinking, trying to move past this, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be learning from it all. Every time I’m handed a situation that’s upsetting or hard to understand; every time I find out bad news or thrown into a scenario that I don’t know how I’ll get through, I feel like I become a sailor and I have to navigate through my Ocean of Sorrow and Sadness. As we all know, every cloud has a silver lining, and to quote myself, every situation has one that’s worse. But I also learned that you have to be ready to see it and willing to find it. When I’m in my ocean, I know I’ll eventually swim out-no matter how high the waters get, but sometimes, it’s ok to stay in there until you’re ready to move on and to swim to shore. I hope 2013 doesn’t make me- or anyone-head into their Ocean. May we only see calm seas ahead!!