a day of gratitude

Today is thanksgiving. Today is a day to give thanks for all that we have and all that was given to us. Throughout our lives, there are times when we find ourselves in such turmoil that it’s hard to find a reason to be thankful. I have had more than my share of suffering and I have spent countless days in dark fear where I wasn’t able to see the positive that was sometimes right in front of me. I knew I wouldn’t survive without the proper attitude. The one way I was able to overcome the overwhelming obstacles that were standing in my way was through searching for something- anything- good that happened to me that day. Each day before I went to sleep, I would take out a post it note and write down a good thing that happened to me that day, Whether it was something as simple as “Today I was able to sit in a chair” or “this morning I managed to eat some cereal”, I wouldn’t go to bed without making sure there was something positive written down on a post it. Pretty soon, my walls were covered in positive post it notes. To be quite honest, I have lived through days that I simply scribbled something down because it became part of my bedtime routine but in the long run, it helped me to change the way I see things and to always to my best at finding the good in any situation. Because I learned that do matter what, there is always something to be thankful for. Last week, when the unimaginable, malicious terror attack occurred, we were reminded once again how precious our lives are. In the blink of an eye, life can be over. No matter how much time passes, trying to make sense of the evil hatred doesn’t get easier. I am still so deeply saddened by such a horrendous nightmare and it’s something that we will never be able to comprehend. What I personally learned from it is a lesson I would have taught myself on those terribly difficult day where I found it very challenging to wake up and spend my little drop of energy on breathing. It was painful and at times felt worthless. But yet, I was alive and I was able to spend another day on this earth. The same still applies. Every day that we are alive and get to live in this world is a day to be thankful for. Yes, it’s true that some days are far more difficult than others but it makes the great days we get to experience even greater. In the bigger picture, the days that are a struggle are the ones that make us tougher and enable us to be stronger to fight through the unpleasant days. Across the ocean, there are a group of women and 26 new orphans who have just finished sitting shiva. Now is when reality is settling in and these families are forced to get used to life without their fathers and husbands. Those Kedoshim whose lives were cut short on a day that started off just as any other, are more of a reason than any to live each day to the fullest, to make every minute of every day count, to get up and fight the battle that is waiting for you because they no longer can. It is the reason we all have to be so grateful to be alive. It was just Rosh Chodesh Kislev, the month that we celebrate miracles and when we learn about finding a light amongst the darkness. I hope that this is the start to many miracles. After months of so much darkness, my hope is that we get to see only light in our lives. And on those days that we find ourselves surrounded by darkness, may we find the light within us to get up, persevere and find the strength to keep burning, keep spreading the light and to keep on living- Because we can. I’m very grateful for reaching this point in my life and so thankful for being granted so many great days after many days were spent in the darkness. Happy thanksgiving! May we be hear only good news in the future

a Tuesday full of tragedy + tears

We all went to bed last night planning on having a typical Tuesday. But boy, we couldn’t have been more wrong. Who could have imagined we would wake up to the most untypical Tuesday possible-A morning drenched in such terrible tragedy. Wives said goodbye to their husbands as they went off to daven Shacharis, but who would’ve believed that they were saying goodbye to them forever.

I cannot stop thinking about the horrific images of those innocent men wrapped up in their Talleisim who had gone to shul early, eager to start their day and ended up getting killed for no other reason than the fact that they were Jews. I am completely numb and in shock. There are 26 children who said good night to their fathers last night and then were woken up to find out that they no longer have a father.  I’m mourning along with all those families. I can’t fathom the paralyzing fear that our brothers are living with. The craziest thing is that the world doesn’t stop spinning and our lives don’t stop just because of what happened. It is so difficult to continue to live as if it’s a normal day when across the ocean our brothers are being slaughtered simply for existing. Because it’s a typical Tuesday in November according to the calendar, I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for this morning. I don’t know how I managed to get there with my mind in such a daze but as I wandered inside, I felt so lost. I walked in to find that the waiting room looked exactly like any other day-The tv was playing a cooking show, the secretary was laughing with someone on the phone and the nurse was smiling and asked me how was I doing. I wanted to scream and ask her how anyone can be doing well after the devastating attack that had occurred earlier, How I don’t even know how I got there in one piece because my eyes were so blurry from all the tears that were flowing. It blew me away how unaware the world is while I am so stuck in a world of overwhelming sadness. I don’t know how many pieces my heart can break in to but enough is enough. Too many bodies have been buried, too many souls have been lost. Too many families have suffered, too many children have become orphans and I just don’t know how to deal with such dampening sadness. Today, the oceans that are full of tears are overflowing and I wish I knew how to deal with the feelings that are inside me. To all those people who are suffering, I hope G-d gives you the strength to deal with your losses and I pray He helps all of Klal Yisrael. It’s a terrifying world we live in-precious lives can be lost in the blink of an eye. May we merit to see an end to these heartless, horrendous tragedies and be worthy of greeting Moshiach. I hope all the tears we shed from now on will be only tears of happiness. #AmYisraelChai

the feeling of freedom

Last night, as I was rummaging through my closet, I came across my box of stuff I have collected over the years of being in and out of hospitals. I opened it up and on the bottom of the pile, I found a hospital bracelet from the Children’s Hospital in Boston from November 2008. I was confused why I still had it, why would I have kept it for so many years? But then, I thought about those days way back then and remembered. I wanted to keep it so that if I was still around years later, I could look back and see how far I’ve come. When that bracelet was put on my wrist more than six years ago, I didn’t think much about the future. I was so stuck in where I was and didn’t want to think about the fact that I was going to get much worse. I was so scared of the future and was in denial. I figured I’d have to be admitted to the hospital but then I’d recover and life would go back to normal. I didn’t even think about me possibly needing a lung transplant. It’s crazy how much would happen in such a short time. I declined so fast and my life began to slip away so suddenly. Within months, I became dependent on oxygen 24\7, was hooked up to IV’s more time than not and spent more time in ICU than in my own home. I was told to get on a transplant list as soon as possible if I wanted to live to celebrate my next birthday. It was a life threatening roller coaster ride that I didn’t remember getting on to-it happened so quickly. When I think about that bracelet, I remember entering that hospital in Boston for the first time. I had no idea what I was waiting for me. I had entered a whole new world with endless twisting tunnels and Mount Everests to climb that would continue way beyond those hospital walls. All the lessons that I learned there have helped me tremendously to prepare for the journey that lay ahead. Being in Boston, I felt like I had been transported to a different planet that no one else knew existed. I felt like everyone else’s lives continued while mine had lgotten stuck in a complicated detour. I felt so alone, me and my disease against the world. Meanwhile, my entire floor was full of patients fighting CF too but we were told to never leave our rooms so we didn’t know. We were all fighting our battles silently, by ourselves, behind our closed doors. This taught me that although sometimes you go through life feeling like you’re the only one fighting a battle,  we really have no idea who else is going through something too- Some people fight silently. Because I was in the hospital for weeks at a time, I got very lonely. My conversations would be with either a nurse or my mother. I missed everyone so much and I learned to appreciate every phone call, every email and every text. The fact that people took even a minute to think about me when they were busy with their own lives made me feel so good and I got to see what being a true friend really meant. Ever since then, I have a whole new appreciation for the friends I have and especially that I have the ability to go out and have a good time with them which was impossible to do when I was a patient. That bracelet symbolizes another thing that means so much to me. When I got a hospital bracelet secured on my wrist, I became their Patient. I was too sick to be living like I was used to, choosing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I was now under the doctor’s care. I had to do what they said, have the procedures they wanted me to have, wear what they gave me to wear and try to find the courage to get up every morning to continue to fight. One of the most amazing feelings is when I got to cut off that bracelet and become me again. I was now able to decide how I wanted to spend the day or what outfit I could wear. With that cut of the bracelet, I was no longer a prisoner inside those white walls. I savored the feeling of freedom. I kept that bracelet buried in my closet to never, ever forget that feeling. After my transplant, When I opened my mouth and took a deep breath without the help of my oxygen tank, I learned how truly awesome it is to be able to breathe- that was Freedom on a whole new level. I may have tumbled far down the medical mountain quickly but what a blessing it is to be able to look back and see how bh, I made it back up to the top
**to those out there waiting for lungs, I hope and pray you get to experience true freedom too-the freedom to breathe on your own!**

the lessons of life’s curriculum

Now that the Yomim Tovim are long behind us, the school year is in motion and kids everywhere are getting the schoolwork piled on. When I was going through school, I seemed like the typical student who didn’t enjoy spending hours and hours dealing with piles of work and studying for tests. Then, I reached a point when I couldn’t wait to graduate- I wanted an end to the homework and the studying and to finally finish school and move on with my life. But I wasn’t the typical student and when I thought I was done with the lessons and the tests, I really was just beginning. In school, it’s about learning the lesson, studying the material and then taking the test. But as I go through life, I’m learning more and more about the real kind of testing-the tests we’re given throughout life. “When you are going through something hard and wonder where G-d is, remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test.” When I began having symptoms, I was forced to start learning and paying attention to what was going on inside my diseased body. Each day, I spent learning about what was wrong with me. Every minute I spent struggling to breathe and every hour I spent in a hospital bed was preparing me for the next test that I would be facing. But the biggest struggle I had was trying to figure out the reason why and what was the lesson I was supposed to be learning because it didn’t seem like there was any. I couldn’t understand why G-d was making it all happen. But as I slowly learned, that is exactly what tests are all about. Although the tests that I took in school all had questions that had a correct answer and we had a teacher to help us with the ones we got wrong or didn’t understand, the tests of life are not simply understood. You don’t get to know the reason why and I have found myself constantly wishing I knew the answers to thousands of questions I have. When it gets too hard and the world around you seems to be crashing down, giving up can seem like the best possible option. In school, you can choose to give up and fail your test. But although I have come close, I’ve found that no matter how complicated and difficult it seems, I’ll do whatever it takes with the little strength I have and move forward and not allow myself to fail. In school, the surprise tests were the hardest because you weren’t prepared for them. In life, so many tests come by surprise and you have to take whatever knowledge you have and try to scramble to figure out what to do. But the biggest difference is that in school, we’re taught the lesson and then given the test, but in life, we’re given the test first and then we learn the lesson afterwards. There might be a huge mess in front of us but it’s our job to find the lesson in that mess. When living a life of chaos and crisis, I often felt that I was forgotten about. When I have had to deal with so much at the same time, I felt as if I was placed in a dark, scary cave with no way out. It’s hard to look at the big picture when you’re stuck in it but looking back now, I know G-d has given me every tool I need to help me get out of those ‘caves’ stronger and smarter than when I went in. Every person I met and continue to meet leads me to the next person and suddenly, I have a whole new group of people in my life and I don’t know how I managed before I met them. With each person comes a story and lots to learn from. Only after I accepted what had happened and was willing to see the goodness that was done and not only choose to notice the bad that I was focusing on before,  I can see that I really am given everything I need to take the test that’s put in front of me. Because just like a teacher is quiet during tests but is there, G-d is too. The problems we’re faced with are part of life’s curriculum that appear and fade like that English class but the lessons we learn along with them will last a lifetime. So be prepared -you never know what the next lesson will be…