making the most of every minute

It’s been a crazy busy month for me- balancing real life; what it means to live as a transplant patient, and trying to make every day of my life one to smile about. Last week, I was given an opportunity to join some of my friends who were in Florida.  I decided I was going to do everything I could to try and make it happen. I did some rearranging and moved appointments around and had five days cleared to go. I cannot explain what a wonderful treat it was for me to have five days to completely forget about my reality. For some people, it is no big deal to go on family trips or to vacation with friends but for me, it is not so simple and doesn’t happen very often. Growing up, there was no such thing as family trips, it was simply too hard with all my medical restrictions. Even going away with friends required extensive planning and I learned the hard way I cannot just go anywhere I choose (a few years ago I went away with my friend for three days and got a call from my doctor that I needed to go get blood work immediately, my results that came back were off… We spent the next day searching for a lab I could go to)
I believe that my journey in life is to learn and never stop learning. Everything I go through teaches me how to be a better and stronger person and there are always lessons to be learned all around me. I found that to be the case vacationing in Florida too. I learned the value of a minute, of an hour– of how to make the most of your time. My friends that I was with made sure to fill every minute with fun, every hour with enjoyment and make me fall into bed with a smile plastered on my face. Most of my time spent there, I didn’t seem busy but I was very busy just taking it all in-the sunshine, the peacefulness, the tranquility of it all. As I sat by the pool in the sizzling sunshine, I felt like I was making up for all those summer days I could only pretend to feel the sunny rays I saw from my window while I lay inside my hospital bed as medication got infused in to me and I was too sick to even stand. One day, we went on a boat ride in the swampy Everglades. It was probably close to 100 degrees out as we climbed in. I felt the sun in a way I never felt it before. The captain came in, turned on the engine and we were off to search for alligators. As we were going through the water, the boat began to speed up and as it accelerated, it got very windy. Because I have not been able to be on very many boats in my lifetime, I was once again taking it all in…but, I thought to myself what a difference this would be if I was sitting in this exact place five summers ago! The oppressive heat would have made it impossible for me to breathe. My lungs were so sick back then, I could barely breathe in normal temperatures-breathing in the heat was not an option. Then, the wind-that would have taken my breath away. With the strong breeze hitting my face, I wouldn’t have been able to breathe at all. I couldn’t decide which would have killed me first. But as the captain announced that we were about to see a bunch of alligators, I snapped back into reality and I looked around, I was amazed that here I was and I didn’t have to worry about any of that and I could not have been more grateful for being where I was five years later. There were some days that were interrupted by thunderstorms but it didn’t stop the fun from happening, there was just a new agenda for a new adventure. I thought of how I can take that and it apply it my life- the sun will not be shining all the time and there will be times that I’ll find myself in a scary thunderstorm but it doesn’t mean the trip is ruined-you just have to find a new way to get by or create a new plan and eventually the sun will come out again. The whole trip was an excellent reminder for me, how lucky I am to be getting all these opportunities that I had to pass up because of my illness. I am so grateful for every moment I go to spend in the sunshine, in the rain; with fabulous friends, cute kids and of course, the wonderful memories. What a nice way to end to summer 2014 🙂
“Today, fill your cup of life with sunshine, love and laughter.”

finding what’s lost on tisha b’av

Throughout our daily lives, we are constantly losing things. When I was younger, I didn’t think much of the things that I lost; Where had I last seen my favorite toy or where did my library book go but as I got older and learned more about life, I realized what it really meant to lose something. I lost years of my childhood knowing I had a serious illness, walking through like with a dark cloud above me, anxiously waiting to see what my gloomy future would bring me. Then there was that summer when I was 15, I learned what it meant to lose someone who is near and dear to you. As I sat there sitting shiva, I just couldn’t understand what had happened. I tried to make sense of what was going on but I just couldn’t fathom; How could my sister who was laying in her bed just a few nights ago now be laying in the ground?? As hard as I tried, I just could not grasp it. But soon after that, my life once again was in turmoil. As my lungs started failing me, I quickly began to learn what it was like to become a patient. When I entered those sterile walls, I discovered what it meant to lose almost everything I had. I then lost my independence overnight. I lost the ability to wear clothing, to eat and drink when I wanted and to even use a toilet. I lost sleep and I lost my dignity too. Then there was the year that I lost the ability to breathe and became dependent on an oxygen tank, my only hope was praying for new lungs so I wouldn’t lose my life.
Throughout my life, I have learned what it’s like to lose.
But nothing can compare to the overwhelming sadness and countless losses we are witnessing this summer.
The main focus of Tisha Bav is mourning all that we lost. Every year we sit on the floor and read about the loss of the Beis Hamikdash, but this year we feel it more than ever. You don’t have to search for things to read or look at to get the tears flowing-we have been heartbroken for way too long. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel guilty enjoying myself or I didn’t feel bad worrying about things that weren’t important when there were so many other bigger problems going on across the ocean. The amount of loss we are experiencing is incomprehensible. Our brothers in Israel have lost their freedom to live and have instead replaced it with constant worry, trepidation and fear awaiting the warning of more rocket fire. Children have lost out on their childhood, being forced to grow up over night, suddenly having to learn that life is not full of fun and games but terror. The soldiers who are fighting in battle to protect our Land have lost out on life- they lives were interrupted and they are now missing out on enjoying precious time in their regular daily lives and on big milestones that are going on while they are forced to say good-bye to their families and come face to face with death. There were too many days when I woke up and learned about another soldier who was no longer on this earth. The list of innocent boys who lost their lives keeps growing. This summer has been filled with too many funerals, too many broken hearts, way too much suffering. We have lost too many tears-we can fill all seven seas. But through all this, a beautiful unity has emerged and one thing we know for sure… that we cannot and will not ever lose-Our nation as One. We will never, ever lose our Holy Land no matter what because we have found each other- we are Am Yisrael Chai and we are stronger than ever. We are fighting this war alone surrounded by nations who seem to have lost their ability to differentiate between what’s right and wrong but we are fighting together as one. It’s time for all this sadness to end, for those tears to be shed out of happiness. I hope that this time, next year, we’ve all found what we lost and be reunited together in Jerusalem!!
I hope you all have an easy and meaningful fast,
May this sad day of mourning be our last.