from fear to freedom

One year ago today I experienced what it was like to go from being very much alive to almost losing my life in the blink of an eye. One minute, I was texting my friends while I was doing local errands and a minute later, I was holding on for dear life, in dire need of an ambulance. When something very traumatic happens to you, some of the details are etched so clearly in your memory. I remember exactly what was going through my mind as I was being carried into the ambulance screaming hysterically. I remember the faces of the volunteer Hatzaloh members that rescued me that day and the exact minute it all happened. As I was lying in the back, I was trying my hardest to stay awake, I couldn’t believe that I had survived so much, I had spent months pondering life and death, I had miraculously survived such a life threatening illness and such a complex surgery… and my life would be taken from me as I strolled happily down a local street-it didn’t make any sense. As I watched the monitors beep in the back of the ambulance, I felt every bump from under me and every thump coming from within me. It was getting harder and harder to stay conscious and the next thing I knew, I was surrounded by doctors in a room that I guessed was a trauma center; they were inserting tubes, removing things and placing other things and shouting at each other. I had never been so frozen in fear in my life -to have such a scary incident happen out of the blue added a whole level of shock to recover from. All I wanted was to get out of there alive. The reason I am sharing this with you is, like everything else, so that we can learn from it-and boy is there is a lot to learn. After I was stable and slowly recovered, I was forever changed. If I wasn’t taught it clearly enough already, here it was to learn again-to enjoy every single second that we are in this world because we can lose it all in a split second. The first time around, I was a prisoner to my oxygen, this time, I was a slave to fear. For the first few months after it happened, I was too traumatized to go anywhere so I was truly able to appreciate every second of every minute for what it was-just sitting around and enjoying the little things that we are too busy to notice every day and when you start to see those little things, you realize that they are actually big things. Another crucial lesson I learned was that yes, I was minutes away from death and yes, I experienced something extremely difficult to get past especially after everything else, but the fact is, here I am telling it over to you today. I can honestly say from experience- It’s not about getting knocked down, but rather whether you get back up again. I remember the clothes I wore that day because they had to get removed immediately. I got them back eventually and my first thought was to throw them away so I would never have to remember that dreadful day. But the more I thought about it, the more I changed my mind. Every time I put on those shoes or that skirt, it’s a reminder of that daunting day but at the same time, it’s a great reminder that I survived it and I didn’t let it hold me back from continuing to live my life. G-d brought me to it but He also brought me through it. As I celebrated my birthday many times last week, I was so glad to be where I am today thank G-d, when I’m so aware of how far I’ve come. I have seen it all my life and I know that although I may have fallen many times, I know I can get back up, brush myself off and keep moving on. Whatever we have to go through may be so hard to understand but it should only strengthen us. May there be only great times to come and good things to share!

happy birthday

Today is a big day-it’s my birthday!! Bh I’ve been blessed to have lived another year. This year has been full of ups and downs, mountains and valleys and some very big detours along the road. I have always loved my birthday. No matter what is going on in my life, I always make sure to make a big deal about it. Growing up with Cystic Fibrosis, each birthday celebrated is a big, bittersweet milestone. If you were to look up and research CF online or talk to a doctor, they would tell you that a person living with CF comes with an average shortened lifespan so each year that passes is truly a big one. Of course, we all know that statistics mean nothing to us and if G-d wants us to live another year or two or twenty, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Although every birthday is a day to recognize that G-d has given us a gift of another year to enjoy life, it’s not usually seen like that. Five years ago today, I was in terrible condition. My lungs were failing and I was deteriorating rapidly. I relied on my oxygen tank to breathe and my life consisted of infections, hospitals and pain. On May 20 of that year, I was turning 23 and it really seemed like that would be the last birthday I would ever have. I had to get so sick in order for me to realize how much I had taken for granted. When I woke up from my lung transplant and I was actually breathing on my own, I was overjoyed to learn that my life wasn’t over, Thank G-d I had been mistaken. One day when I was recovering in Pittsburgh, my friend Adina came to visit me. We were sitting together in the lounge when my surgeon walked by. I called out his name and turned to Adina and told her that this was the doctor that performed my surgery and how amazing he was. She was so happy she got to meet him and thanked him for saving my life. He replied “All I did was put the lungs inside of her-G-d did the rest, He was the one who saved her.” And that’s that, there’s no clearer way to say it. After having a lung transplant, my birthday became an even bigger milestone and I’m so grateful that I’m here today getting to celebrate another birthday, 365 days later. As I reflect on this past year, I have nothing but thanks for such a bumpy, yet beautiful roller coaster ride. This year I have had my share of near death experiences and difficult times. I have cried many tears and been halted by frightful fears… but on the flip side, I have lived a I had some really incredible times, experienced beautiful moments, made wonderful friends, and spent time smiling and laughing and enjoying living in the moment. I have found the key to making perfect lemonade out of the most sour lemons and witnessed true freedom by finally being able to share my story to hundreds of people all over the world. Each and every experience this past year has changed me for the better. I have always believed that it’s my job to learn new lessons every day. I have learned that with every bad day I live through, I’m able to appreciate the good days so much more and that with every hardship comes strength and with every test comes a beautiful lesson. As my birthday is here once again, I’m celebrating life and all I can say is, I’m ready to see what the next year will bring. It’s time to celebrate-so Bring it on:)

mother’s day and more

Happy Mother’s Day! Today was a day dedicated to mothers everywhere. People celebrated with their mothers and grandmothers or got the chance to celebrate being a mother. A few days ago, I took my four year old niece to a store and when she saw the Mother’s Day card display, I told her she could pick one out to give to my sister. She was so excited, she wanted to buy them all! After she finally picked one out, I helped her spell what she wanted to write. As I walked with her back to the car, I started thinking-I didn’t have any recollection of Mother’s Day last year. Then I remembered…Last year, I spent Mother’s Day in the hospital. I had gone to a specialist in a hospital cross-country in the middle of nowhere. I needed to have surgery but I wasn’t nervous-it was supposed to be routine and once I had lived through the transplant, I didn’t think anything else would be a big deal. But unfortunately, I was proven wrong. I was shown again that no matter how big or how small the surgery, or how simple or complicated the procedure is supposed to be, nothing is a guarantee and I witnessed that again when I woke up from the routine surgery with complications that left the doctors completely confused. I ended up being a patient there much longer than I had anticipated and of course, my mother never left my side. I was pretty out of it for most of my stay there but I remember waking up on a Sunday morning in May and realizing that it was Mother’s Day. I felt so bad that this is the way we were spending Mother’s Day, I was in the middle of the South and we didn’t know anyone-I couldn’t even give her a card. It’s not like it’s a big deal but being a patient for so long and having my mother accompany me on my whirlwind medical roller coaster ride that was filled with times that were frightening and even near death, I felt like this was the right time to express my gratitude to her. Growing up, Mother’s Day was never a big deal, because “Every day is Mother’s Day” but because I had become such a taker, I took every opportunity I could to be a Giver and Mother’s Day was one of those opportunities. But being where I was last year, I was not in any position to give my mother anything except a request for something I needed. I found that throughout my whole medical journey, switching from a Giver to a Taker was one of the most difficult things. Because I had been pretty healthy for so long, I was able to be on the giving side. I felt so bad that I couldn’t be that person anymore and instead, I had gone to the other side and became the one people gave too. Anyway, I am thrilled to say that this year I didn’t have that problem. Thank G-d, I was able to go out shopping by myself and get her whatever I wanted to say Thank You. This past Friday, I spoke to a group of girls from LA who were in Far Rockaway on a Shabbaton. I don’t know how they tracked me down but I’m sure glad they did. We all sat in a circle on couches so I was really just talking from the heart-no podium, no microphone, just me. I watched as some of them got teary eyed and as tissues were being passed around. No matter how many times I watch it happen, it gets me every time. I’m truly amazed that I can do this and I’m so grateful I can have such an impact on people when all I did was choose to survive because really, what other choice did I have?? The girls asked me to read every Bracha on the pamphlets I gave to them and then read each and every Post-it note in the notebook. They didn’t want me to leave. As I said Good-bye, I reflected on the hospital room I was in one year ago and once again felt overwhelmed with gratitude for how far I’ve come, it really is a miracle. Happy Mother’s Day to all the fabulous mothers out there! May we all get to experience greatness and witness Miracles for many more years to come!

a wild ride of ups and downs

It’s been a while since my last post-Let’s just say, life these days has been a wild ride. I was offered an amazing opportunity by a friend to join her in Miami for the second days of Pesach. The whole time I was there, I kept surprising myself with wonderful milestones that I got to take in and appreciate. Almost every day I spent there, I walked miles and miles on the boardwalk. The friend I was with had been with me seven years ago when my illness began to steer me down a bumpy road downhill. She had been with me the first time I was introduced to a hospital and when I learned what happens inside of the ICU. When I was transferred to Boston, I was upset I’d have no visitors since I was so far but she came to visit me there too and she was even there in Pittsburgh a few days after my transplant. Walking alongside her this Pesach, I remembered what it was like when we would take walks together in Boston-I’d be pushing my IV pole with my oxygen tank by my side and if I made it down the hall and around the nurses station, it was considered an accomplishment. Now, here I was walking miles at a time, without having any problems breathing, soaking in the sunshine and feeling so free. On the last morning of my stay in Florida, I went for one more walk. I thought about the significance of being able to see how much had changed for me and what better time to see that on Pesach. As I looked around at my surroundings, I realized that less than one year ago, after I had recovered from my near death experience, I was paralyzed with fear and did not want to be anywhere alone. The thought of doing anything on my own was terrifying, I was petrified that something would happen to me again and now, here I was, ten months later, I was about to fly back home solo. In one year, I had become a different person. I was no longer a slave to my fears and bh, I got another chance to experience true freedom. A few days after I got home, I found out that a girl I was very close to was sick and had to go to the hospital. I called her up immediately and gave her some encouragement and quickly gave her Hospital 101. Since I have had so much experience being a patient, I felt like it was my job to tell her the important things she should know that no one would think of unless they themselves had been a patient, like to take shower before she went, to take along a pillow case…Because of my transplant, I’m not supposed to enter hospitals unless I have to so I knew that meant I couldn’t visit her. I was very upset about that but I also knew that I was able to help her in other ways that other people can’t. I took this as a life lesson-to never focus on what you cannot do, but rather to focus on what you can. It was a weird experience for me to be on the other side; All I know of hospitals is being the one in the bed. When we spoke on the phone and she told me all the things they were doing to her, I knew exactly what she was talking about. It was as if I had gone back in time and all those things I went through that I had moved past and closed that chapter of my book were now the topic of conversation that I never thought I would have any reason to open again, but I was happy that I was able to help her in any way I can. On a more positive note, my dear friend Adina got married this week! Her wedding was beautiful. I was extremely grateful that I was able to be there for her in such a happy occasion. When she pulled me into the middle to dance with her, I was filled with emotions-after she was there for me through so many hard times, after she’d come cheer me up as I suffered in pain, there we were together in the middle of the circle on her wedding day, sharing in happiness that was so well deserved. (A huge Mazel tov to Mr. and Mrs. Grinblatt on their marriage, may you both only experience true happiness together ad 120) So, as you see, these past few weeks there have been both ups and downs and good times and hard times. I hope to only have good news to share in the future!!